REVIEW: This M’sian Movie About A Horny, Talking Tortoise Feels Like A Bad Acid Trip

By Ameera Rosli  •  26 Jan 2021 in Features

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Staying at home has been tough on many Malaysians. Seeing the same household items and remaining within the same four walls everyday begs for a means of escapism.

With that, most of us seek refuge in heavyweight streaming platform, Netflix.

While Netflix has some of the greatest original series and films that have even garnered critical acclaim, the same cannot be said for a few titles that the platform offers.

Because I am both a curious and extremely bored person with an affinity towards masochism (as demonstrated in my review of Pencuri Hati Mr. Cinderella, which is arguably the worst movie in existence), I decided to take a gander and explore the bottom of the barrel and my goodness, did I find an absolute gem…

Without further ado, let me introduce you to an absolute acid trip of a movie titled Cinta Kura-Kura… 

P.S: You know the drill by now. There will be spoilers ahead but don’t worry, unless you’re itching to have a massive migraine, I don’t think you’ll be interested in watching this film yourself. To be frank, even I called for back-up this time… The MCO has made me a softie.

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As with every Oscar-nominated film, the picture has to start with a wise tortoise narrating in the most stereotypical Perak dialect. For all my Setiawan readers out there, you’ll definitely get a kick out of this kura-kura’s accent.

We’re introduced to our protagonist, Nani, played by Tiz Zaqyah.

Let me tell you right now, she is the only redeeming quality of the whole film. Not only is she super cute and endearing, but she is the only tolerable actor. Everyone else was just exaggerated caricatures who were so annoying to the point where I even buried my head in my pillow to scream.

But that’s just me being dramatic…

Nani discovers a tortoise by the lake and she names him Nico, unfortunately voiced by Zizan Razak.

From then on, the two are inseparable – much to my discomfort, but you’ll find out why soon.

Nani is your typical girl-next-door. She’s a graphic designer who helps blind people cross the road, enjoys baking cupcakes and owns a talking-pet tortoise. You see, she’s just your average plain Jane.

What sets her apart is that she’s in-love with her neighbour, Adam, played by Twitter comedian, Aeril Zafrel. The lead guitarist of an indie rock band (of course, ‘cos nobody can resist an indie boy), Adam enjoys music and believes in love at first sight, which is what he felt when he first saw Nani.

After that exposition, Nani and her brother, played by Bob Yusof (of Akademi Fantasia fame ‘cos yes, this movie is old), head over to the pet shop in search of a new aquarium for Nico.

You know, tortoises seem like wonderful creatures. They’re quiet, calm and they tend to mind their own business most of the time.

However, now that I’ve watched Cinta Kura-Kura, I’ve also learned that tortoises are the horniest reptiles in the animal planet!

Or at least the ones voiced by Zizan Razak are…

As soon as Nani places Nico in the aquarium for him to bond with other tortoises, he immediately starts chatting-up the female tortoise, even calling her “awek”. I didn’t know the rempit lingo was extended to the non-human species as well.

Are there cikaro tortoises too? Are they called cikura-kura?

During this conversation amongst tortoises (I can’t believe my degree is being used for me to write this), we find out that tortoises aren’t allowed to speak when humans are around.

In the wise words of Justin Bieber, it would completely alter the fabric of humankind if we found out animals could speak to us.

Yeah, I don’t know when Bieber has ever said this, but I decided not to ask too many questions while watching this movie in fear of my brain imploding.

Later on in the film, Nani finds Adam’s recruitment posters for a new vocalist in his band. Since her brother, Amin, is a singer (Nasyid, in case you were wondering what genre), she suggests that he audition for the role.

Hmm, a Nasyid singer in an indie rock band… That would be like Maher Zain being the front-liner for Spooky Wet Dreams. Sayang, Tolong Buatkan Abang Imam…

The two siblings arrive at the studio and are ushered in by Adam. He introduces them to the rest of the band and we get a distasteful and ableist jab towards the visually-impaired keyboardist.

When will we learn that making fun of people with disabilities isn’t funny?

After that’s done and dusted, they leave the studio and Amin is notified by Adam that he got the job! Guess this indie-band is really desperate for a lead singer, huh? Penyanyi Nasyid pun boleh lah… Boleh perform dekat Astro Oasis!

But never mind all that, the movie’s not about Amin, it’s about Adam and Nani.

Once Amin leaves, Adam sits next to Nani on the sidewalk and they strike-up a conversation about the band’s recruitment posters. Since Nani is a graphic designer, Adam gives her his phone number so she could contact him and discuss more about it.

Out of nowhere, Nani suddenly takes Nico out of his carrier and sets him on the dirty sidewalk.

Now I’m not an expert on tortoises but carrying one all day, especially in the city, can’t be good for them right? I wonder how Nico hasn’t suffocated from all the air pollution and cringy dialogue yet.

At the sight of Nico, Adam quips, “Oh, a turtle!” although he’s actually a tortoise. That’s okay, Adam. We forgive you.

However, this mis-species is apparently highly offensive to Nico so he bites Adam when he reaches to pet him.

In an attempt to soothe Adam’s finger, Nani drops Adam’s phone number on the ground, where Nico can read it.

A couple of questions: How does Nico, a reptile, know how to read when some human adults can’t? And how does Nico, a reptile, know what numbers are and what it represents?

But who am I to ask? I am a mere movie reviewer who is incapable of understanding the complexities of this brilliant script.

After a jam session, Adam finally asks Nani out to dinner. But since Nani is the biggest sweetheart in all of existence, she invites him to her place where she’ll cook for both Adam and his mom. Meeting the mertua on the first date? Bold move!

Before they part ways in preparation for the date, Adam makes sure to tell Nani of his peanut allergy.

When they arrive at Nani’s home, Adam picks Nico up and starts talking to him.

From there, we find out that Adam is actually a bit squeamish when it comes to tortoises since they’re known to poop whenever they feel uncomfortable. Same.

Offended by the remark, Nico hatches a plan to ultimately poison Adam by putting peanuts in the cupcakes that Nani baked. Because when someone offends you, the next order of business is to try to kill them.

Let’s keep a tally of all the times Nico has tried to sabotage poor Nani and Adam’s relationship shall we?

The tally is now at 1.

Let’s keep watching. Are you still with me?

Despite Nico’s efforts to commit manslaughter, Adam is up and running again in no time. The audience is even treated to a cute little montage of the two of them, cruising KL.

Not quite my cup of tea tbh, I much prefer race car montages from Pencuri Hati Mr. Cinderella, but alas, not every film can compete with that magnum opus.

Remember when I said that this movie feels like a bad acid trip… Well, we’re moving into that territory right now so please strap on your helmets.

As if Adam hasn’t had it bad enough, one day, while he’s washing his Vespa, Nico decides to talk to him. Yes, Nico the tortoise.

Now, of course Adam acts incredulous when Nico begins talking to him but then, he snaps out of it and just engages in conversation like it’s normal…

I don’t know about you but I would shit my pants, run into my house and lock the doors. I’d also probably call an ustaz, a priest and Azwan Ali to come exorcise me and my house for good measure. Having a tortoise talk to you isn’t a regular ol’ Tuesday morning. That’s some satanic shit!

Don’t just take it from me, even atheists believe in evil forces!

Nico threatens Adam and tells him to stop hanging-out with Nani.

Adam, clearly underestimating Nico’s evil abilities, shrugs this off and continues with his day. Little does he know, Nico is already plotting a master plan to sabotage their relationship.

Fast forward to Adam’s gig, Nani is surprisingly accompanied by Fazli, the owner of the pet store.

For a brief introduction, Nico is more fond of Fazli than Adam because if Nani decides to date him, she’ll get a discount for the aquarium that Nico wants.

So, when Adam sees that Nani is rocking out with some old dude cosplaying as Gerard Way, he gets jealous which signals trouble in paradise.

That night, on a phone call, Nani asks Adam the question all f-boys hate to hear which is, “So, what are we?”

Adam, being the dimwit he is, doesn’t understand the question much to Nani’s annoyance. She hangs-up and we embark on the most mind-boggling part of the movie.

Honestly, when I watched this, my jaw dropped to the floor. Whatever psychedelics the writers were on, it was strong – like, ’60s Woodstock-hippie kind of strong!

Now I grew up watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so I’m no foreigner to jumping reptiles.

However, this movie isn’t a cartoon. It’s a live-action romance-comedy made in Malaysia so why is the animation similar to PS1 graphics? I feel like I just answered my own question…

Let’s abandon all logic and continue watching to find out why Nico is on a rooftop and doing somersaults on Adam’s bed.

Spoiler alert: It might be the most bizarre plot point you’ve ever watched and I do not say that lightly.

It turns out that Nico, a reptile with no opposable thumbs, scattered Nani’s bra and underwear all over Adam’s bed in order to make him look like a creep.

When Nani enters Adam’s room, escorted by his mother, in order to return Adam’s iPod – which first of all, why would you let someone in your son’s room when he’s not around? That’s just bad parenting – she got the shock of her life.

Yes, this is a Malay drama and yes, they are implying that Adam jerked off to photos of Nani while surrounded by her undergarments.

WHAT IS GOING ON? HOW DID THIS GET GREEN-LIT? WHY AM I WRITING AN ARTICLE ABOUT A HORNY, DEVIANT TORTOISE THAT TALKS?

I just have so many questions but we shall move on from this – for my sanity’s sake and for yours.

The tally of sabotage by Nico is now at 2. You can make this a drinking game by the way, it would ease the pain at least by a little.

After a jam session, Adam gets the call from his mother, asking him to come home. She sounds pretty mad… Does this mean our male protagonist is going to face some consequences for his actions? (Despite it not actually being his fault, but only we know that).

Judging from what we know of stereotypical Malay dramas, do you really think that Adam is going to be penalised for this?

Yeah, I didn’t think so…

Nani essentially freaks out (as she should) and calls Adam a (panty) thief and a liar. Pretty generous terms in my opinion, because if I found out my neighbour stole my underwear and had been jerking off to it, I’d call the cops!

Adam tries to explain that Nico was the one behind the panty raid but of course, Nani doesn’t believe him. Actually, no one in their right mind would, so I don’t know why he even attempted that.

She then asks Adam the question, “What am I to you?” yet again.

Then, like all f-boys do, Adam responds with, “We’re just friends.” Ouch! I’ve been on the receiving end of that, but I’m not Tiz Zaqyah. Who would ever reject her? Tak realistic…

After a significant wedge has been driven into Adam and Nani’s relationship, the two stop talking until Amin invites Nani to his gig.

All freshened up, she heads to the pet store first to drop off some flyers she designed. There, she meets a restaurant owner who is adamant on buying Nico. When Nani suggests he buys the female tortoise in the aquarium he says, “You know females are useless. All they do is wipe floors and clean toilets.”

Okay…

You’re saying that there’s a tortoise that can wipe your floors and clean your toilet and you don’t want it? You can literally close down your restaurant and become a millionaire if you sold it to the right bidders.

But I think he meant female humans are useless and to that I say, “Come here and I’ll use my mop to stuff it where the sun don’t shine.”

In a turn of events, Nani ends up going to dinner with Fazli instead of going to the gig.

Sadly, she misses the (what’s the right word here?) sendu song that Adam performs, which is dedicated to her.

Of course, we get a sad split-screen montage to convey the heartbreak.

We’re fast forwarding a lot through this movie because honestly, there’s so many unnecessary scenes that should’ve been cut and it would have made it a lot easier to finish this absolute shitshow.

Remember that restaurant owner from before? He’s now offering RM20,000 to Fazli for Nico.

I guess it’s because he knows the soul trapped inside it is the soul of Raja Lawak comedian, Zizan Razak. I guess he foresaw that this tortoise can host shows and comment lewd remarks on women’s Instagram pages.

With that kind of offer, who would refuse? Fazli then hatches a plan to get Nico from Nani.

He tells her that there’s a spa for tortoises and that it’ll help rejuvenate Nico, who has been feeling down lately. Nani immediately agrees because she’s a sweetheart that’s too good for this movie world.

Fazli takes Nico in and tries to replicate his features on the female tortoise so Nani wouldn’t know the difference.

Err, isn’t there a significant organ missing that she’ll surely notice? Maybe it’s too small to notice like this movie’s ambition.

When Fazli’s assistant leaves momentarily for a toilet break, Nico plans to call Adam. Because tortoises know how to use phones, right? RIGHT?!

Listen, even I am incapable of remembering phone numbers so I am absolutely floored to know that Nico, a tortoise, is able to memorise the phone number he glanced at assumably weeks ago.

Please, did the writer of this script not think at all or did they trip major balls the night before the deadline so they could shoot this script right out of their ass? There’s no other explanation…

We get to the restaurant where Nico is about to be cooked into a soup! Hooray! But wait…

Why is the customer and the restauranteur calling Nico a turtle when the film has hammered-down the fact that tortoises and turtles are completely different species? [Ed’s Note – it’s actually a terrapin.]

What was the point then? Why say something but then completely forget about it later? What are you? A politician?

Nico calls Adam for help and tells him he’s about to be cooked into a sweet & sour sauce. Adam, alarmed, goes over to Nani’s house to make sure that Nico is telling the truth.

When he gets there, he immediately recognises that the tortoise in Nani’s room isn’t Nico. He then says, “Come on, let’s go to Mr. Lim’s restaurant!”

But hold on… How does Adam know Mr. Lim? He’s never met him nor did Nico even mention his name or the location of the restaurant. Sighs… Takpelah, saya terima je…

The couple arrive on time to save Nico (who in my opinion isn’t worth saving) and Nani finally finds out that Nico can talk.

Her reaction is surprisingly calm, even happy… I would be a little freaked out if I were her but then again, I’m a rational, logical thinking human unlike all the characters in this film.

Finally, at the tail-end of the film, Nico musters an ounce of compassion and decides that they can’t leave without saving the other tortoises. So, they go back into the restaurant and I scream in pain because just when I thought the movie would end, it continues…

Now this next part of the film is where the whole bad acid trip comparison surfaces.

For educational purposes, psychedelics take a while to kick in before it builds into a climax and you’re tripping balls so to speak. This stage of acid is called peaking.

If you’re curious as to what that feels like or what it looks like, watch the following videos:

 

Still not feeling it? Here are some screenshots in case you need to pop another tab:

 

 

I take back what I said about it being an acid trip, because at least with psychedelics, some have claimed that it opens your mind and you learn life lessons.

This movie is just the equivalent of hisap gam.

Let’s wrap this up, folks before my energy depletes and I evaporate into thin air.

In the end, everyone lives happily ever after. Adam and Nani get together, the other tortoises are adopted by Nani and everyone’s happy except for me, the person who had to review this.

So, what did we learn here?

We learned that despite being the worst, most selfish creature in the world, Nico still got the happy ending he wanted. We also learned that the cute girl next-door will forgive you for raiding her underwear drawer as long as you blame it on a talking tortoise. These are all very important life lessons that we should instil in our children.

Just kidding.

This movie was pointless and dare I say, cutting it very close to becoming the worst film I’ve ever seen but since Pencuri Hati Mr. Cinderella was worse by including rape scenes, I’ll let this innocuous talking-tortoise movie slide.

My rating: I’d rather watch turtles tortoises [Ed’s Note: terrapins!] humping for two hours than watch this movie again.

That concludes the movie review and I will see you next time for the next instalment of Worst of Netflix.

Brb gonna go take a 24-hour nap.