Love Exists… Just Not Here: JUICE Lists 5 Loveless Movies For People Who Hate Valentine’s Day
We did not find love in a hopeless place… We found disappointments and abandoned Spotify Blend playlists. Rihanna lied.
If you’re absolutely done with love (at least ’til they finally text you back) and you have no plans on Valentine’s Day, then it’s time to sit at home and watch some movies.
You don’t need to explain yourself. We know you’re tired of spending all that time on dates and getting ready just to be left in the dust, so we gathered some movies about single girlbosses to remind you that you don’t need a love interest to be happy.
Grab a snack (or several) and enjoy the ride…
What’s the easiest way to find a new, hot wife? If you answered with anything but “holding a fake audition for a fake movie to assert dominance over women” then congratulations! You are not a misogynistic pig!
Sifting through the dozens of gorgeous models from a fake audition, our protagonist selects a beauty that stands out from the rest.
She’s sweet, she’s timid, but she’s sexy and alluring. In short, she fits every misogynist’s criteria for a waifu.
But instead of being the romantic comedy that we thought we were going to watch, Audition descends into a mess of blood and violence when the seemingly innocent model turns out to be a murderous sociopath.
I think we can all agree we’ve imagined torturing a misogynist before (no? just me?), so if you’re looking for a movie that realises that fantasy, look no further than this Japanese horror classic.
Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2
There’s a reason why SZA drew inspiration from this Tarantino cult favourite.
This film follows a sexy Uma Thurman as she slings katanas at all her frenemies (friends turned enemies) to exact revenge for almost murdering her at her own wedding… while she was pregnant with her first child. Yeah, they should’ve seen it coming.
But it’s not just about that. Thurman is also on a murderous rampage to track down her ex-boyfriend, Bill, so she can… Well, kill Bill.
If you have an ex that did you dirty, watch this movie then send the trailer to your ex with zero context – just to scare them a little.
Hey, where are you going? Are you abandoning your plans to stay home and watch movies for a random person on Tinder that texted you, “hey dtf?”
First of all, girl, do better. Second, turn your phone off and watch this movie.
A lonely woman meets a charming man at a supermarket and decides to go off on a trip with him to god-knows-where just because he looks like Marvel’s Bucky Barnes. Okay fine, I’m not one to judge because I would do the same thing.
In a turn of events, she ends up in danger of being eaten (not in a good way) when Mr. Charming turns out to be a cannibal. So, you see, this is a teaching moment for all of us.
The next time you meet a hot stranger in a supermarket, don’t go home with them. Just tweet about it and move on!
This movie is what I wish would happen to all the sexual predators in the world, but alas, in real life, they even go on to win Oscars.
A creepy photographer meets a teenager in a cafe and thinks he’s about to get lucky when he brings her home by telling her, “You look and act older than your age”. Yeah, we’ve all heard that before…
But the teenager has other things in mind and it has nothing to do with getting in bed with an older man, but everything to do with torturing and killing him.
Now, this is what I call fun!
Ladies, we all know that if you want something to be done right, you gotta do it yourself – even if it means chopping someone’s balls off.
Okay since we’ve established that you’re home alone watching movies, I’m going to give you an advanced guide to surviving a home invasion because I care about you.
This film follows a deaf woman who is being stalked by a psychotic killer cosplaying as Michael Myers (Mydin edition) at her secluded home while she’s finishing up her new book.
There are several morals here: Don’t go to a secluded area alone and don’t write books.
In all seriousness, this thriller will get your heart racing faster than going out on a date with a red flag, so if you’re craving that rush, it’s time to lock your doors and watch Hush.
You don’t have to have a partner for Valentine’s Day to have fun. Sometimes, the best company is ourselves and Baskin Robbins.
There’s no harm in winding down after a hard day of being a girlboss by watching movies about other girlbosses just like you. You’re doing amazing, sweetie!
Valentine’s Day Tuesday from us at JUICE!