Disclaimer: This article contains sexual content and is meant for mature readers. If you are easily offended by content of this nature, please click here.
What’s on your timeline?
Is it news of the general elections? Did another religious preacher post bail after being accused of sexual assault? Did a politician say something untoward about religion, race, the LGBT community or all of the above?
Scrolling through social media used to be a pleasure when it was saturated by memes and funny videos but now, it’s become an echo chamber for unsavoury news regarding the tumultuous political climate of our country.
While it’s great to stay informed, we shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting a break from it all.
Let’s all release some of that tension in the best way we know how… by reading this article about masturbation.
Don’t play coy with me, we’ve all done it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take it from us at JUICE and our extensive review of sex toys.
Masturbation promotes a clearer mind, a healthy libido and an overall decline in stress which is something we all need to get through the day.
While it has become somewhat of a routine or treat at the end of a stressful day, let’s reminisce on the times we were first introduced to the act by reading some stories this writer has collected on a few Malaysians’ first time spanking the monkey.
Without further ado, here are some anecdotes. *All names have been changed to protect privacy.
“I jacked off to a Powerpoint presentation”
While most kids his age came home from school to play with Legos or Gundam figurines, Harley sought out entertainment elsewhere.
Being a precocious 6-year-old, he would pluck out books to read from the shelf that housed encyclopaedias, a Robinson Crusoe novel and various magazines.
After a particularly tiring day at pre-school, Harley reached out his little arms to grab a grey hardcover leather-bound book that he had never opened before.
To his surprise, this book was no ordinary fiction novel or educational magazine. It was a photo album but with cut-outs from different posters.
What kind of posters? ’80s motorcycle babes with curly hair and big boobs clad in clothing that leave nothing to the imagination.
At first, he just stood there in awe before putting the book right back on the shelf where it belonged. In our conversation, he told me that “it felt illegal” to look at these women while a tingling sensation began to build inside of him.
But like I said, he was a lot more mature than kids his age so he eventually figured out his mom’s pattern of lounging in the living room – reading her Avon catalogues – and used that downtime to sneak more glances at these Harley Davidson babes. Now you see where he got his name…
“I would take that book to the toilet, sit down and play with my joystick. I didn’t know what I was doing so I used two hands and went left, right, up, down,” he said as if he were figuring out a cheat code to a game.
But that wasn’t the first time Harley made the bald man cry… That came a little later.
“I liked playing with Powerpoint presentation because you can add the effects that make the slides go ‘whoosh’,” he started.
He shared a computer with his siblings and instead of playing Pinball or Minesweeper, he found entertainment in Powerpoint presentation. Thank you, Bill Gates.
While he was fiddling with the software, he discovered an ‘Add Media’ option. He clicked it and a pop-up showed numerous videos – one of them being Japanese porn.
It’s safe to say that a Hiroshima bomb exploded in his pants that day because in his words, “It all went downhill for me since then.”
“I felt a looming sense of doom”
Bryan was bored, so Bryan decided to bust a nut.
At 9 years old, while he was sitting idly in his room, Bryan decided he needed to put his big boy pants on or – for the sake of this story – take those pants off.
He had always liked the friction that was exerted while he got dressed every morning so he decided to remove the middleman and seize the goose himself. Carpe dickem!
Unlike most people, who would fiddle and jerk it around as if they were trying to unscrew a tight cap from a bottle, he simply held it tight and the pressure was enough to make him explode… all over himself and his bedroom floor.
“I don’t know how else to describe it other than feeling like I was high,” he said, remembering the dizziness that came after.
With his entire body pulsating, Bryan immediately went into panic mode as he grabbed a towel and tried to wipe the evidence of his crimes off the floor. But instead of getting rid of it, he made it worse and the floor became sticky and slippery.
“I saw that I had water so I poured the whole thing onto the floor and started wiping again, you know ‘cos water fixes everything. It got worse! It turned into soap!” he exclaimed.
After using up his supply of towels to both wipe and dry his floor, he remembered the room smelling like chlorine. A convenient alibi since he can just say that he went swimming which is why he had two soaked towels.
From then on, he started doing it regularly despite the act giving him a “looming sense of doom” once he had finished.
But in Bryan’s case, I guess the means justify the end.
“Her latex costume really did it for me”
Some people say that movies shape who you are as a person and there’s nothing quite like this story to further prove that point.
At the age of 12, our respondent – who requested to be addressed as Selina Stan, but let’s call him SS for short – was watching Batman Returns.
Sure, comic book film adaptations are fit for kids but they might not have anticipated a young SS to find his sexual awakening via Michelle Pfeiffer’s portrayal of Catwoman aka Selina Kyle.
Donning a latex cat suit equipped with a whip and Pfeifer’s signature sultry meow, the character was just too much for this pre-teen and he soon realised that something – alike his adulthood – was blossoming in his pants.
“There’s something really naughty and sexy about it. After I felt that relief, I could finally move on to think of something else otherwise I couldn’t stop thinking about her!” he revealed.
The infatuation with latex and whips did not stop there because he then grew up to adore and participate in the BDSM community.
When I asked how his sex life now compares to the first time he stroked his cat, he said, “After that, I engaged with some sex workers and my mistress happened to be close to the Catwoman character. So all in all, I’ve enjoyed my sex life.”
It seems that while most of us Malaysian kids dread the crack of a whip, SS giddily anticipates it.
Not everyone is destined for a happy ending, but if you try hard enough, maybe you can make it happen for yourself?