“I Feel Like An Animal”: Unfiltered Confessions Of A Recovering Malaysian Porn Addict

By Lara Kramer  •  07 Sep 2022 in Features

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Where do we draw the line between healthy pubescent sexual curiosity and a straight-up addiction to erotic media?

According to Michael, a Malaysian student currently pursuing a Diploma in Marketing, it’s often challenging to recognise the ways excessive porn consumption can manifest in one’s life until distaste is expressed and boundaries, pushed.

In this piece, JUICE highlights a conversation with Michael depicting ways in which his 7-year porn addiction, whereby he found himself seeking blueness up to 3 times a day even in public settings, has negatively impacted his adolescent life in terms of his overall perception of women and sex as well as unrealistic expectations of his own performance.

“Projecting my desires”

“It’s probably normal to feel pressured into losing your virginity when everyone around you has done it, but I believe that watching porn adds to that urgency. It came to a point where I was no longer satisfied by masturbation- partly because I craved to experience what I was witnessing so badly. I felt the need to relate to what I was looking at,” said Michael.

As a result of that, he had his first sexual encounter at 15 years old, with a girl of the same age who he admitted was “less enthusiastic”.

“Up to this day, I think I had simply projected my curiosity on her by suggesting that we sleep together. She insists that I should not feel that way as it was fully consensual, but I indirectly bragged about how much I knew about sex based on the porn I watched, and she trusted me,” he added.

Speaking with both of them, the pair agreed that the experience was “awkward”, with Michael attempting to replicate much of the sexual media he was most familiar with. The girl noted that she knew Michael well enough to understand that he did not mean any harm, but couldn’t help thinking about what would happen if one of them had gotten hurt.

“I tainted the idea of sex for other girls”

While Michael’s first time ended with tones of forgiveness and understanding, the ‘failed’ attempt only led to his frustration and feeling like he “did not know how to have sex properly”.

Two other women then fell victim to Michael’s exasperation. In the second instance, he admitted to sulking to the girl as she did not get as wet as he expected- or as commonly portrayed in porn clips. It’s also noteworthy that all persons involved were between the ages of 16 to 19 at the time, indicating that Michael’s early sexual feats were also some of the firsts for these girls.

“In porn films, the sex happens almost instantly and seamlessly, so I expected the same in real life. I was nervous, they were nervous, it could never go in as smoothly as I thought. I didn’t open up about these things either because I felt ashamed and not like a ‘real man’ if I could not arouse or satisfy the girl like the male porn stars did. I developed an addiction to not only watching porn, but to its most minor details and the need to prove myself, to prove that I could do it.

“I told one girl that she was expecting me to do all the work, anticipating that she would be ready and eager just because I was. When I think back on it, I feel like an animal,” said Michael.

“These expectations backfired on myself too”

“It wasn’t only other people who suffered from my unrealistic ideals. To be frank, most guys are physically unable to cum twice within 30 minutes, nor continue for Round 2 after only just getting off. Maybe some can, I don’t know, but I was definitely pushing myself in terms of stamina and the frequency of which I ejaculated.

“It wasn’t even about what the women desired. Sex became a form of self-fulfilment and was basically fuelling my self-esteem and value at this point. It’s a pretty dangerous idea to weigh your worth by an impracticable context, even more so when you’re young and impressionable comparing yourself to staged porn by trained actors,” he explained.

Even upon learning that in most cases, the sex that’s recorded in porn is the product of tons of editing and props, once Michael set the standard for himself, it was hard to disregard it. As a porn addict currently in therapy, he asserts that letting go of his prior beliefs and expectations for himself as a sexual partner has been one of the most difficult aspects of recovery.

“I grew desensitised and craved more”

The point where Michael finally came to his senses was approximately 5 years into his addiction, when “basic porn no longer scratched the itch” in his brain.

“I found myself finding it harder and harder to ejaculate and realised it was because the content no longer satisfied me. I think it goes without saying that outside of ‘vanilla’ porn, some sites cater to very niche and highly inappropriate fetishes.

“I did not want to turn into that guy who could only find pleasure in near-torturing women. Yes, even if that’s what they are into. I respect people who enjoy it, but having to hurt people to sexually arouse myself was far beyond my moral ground. Mostly because I knew, for me, it would not simply stop there.

“I think, unknowingly, people who don’t nip their addictions in the bud on time can end up with very unhealthy, unfulfilling sex lives and could even unknowingly become abusive to their partners and struggle with self-image,” said Michael.

Towards the end of our conversation, Michael also addressed numerous times how he felt that his wrongdoings towards women pre-recovery were unforgivable and past any form of justification. He refers to the addiction as an ‘affliction’ that affects more people than what is widely perceived.

“This happens to lots of youngsters subconsciously. I think the main issues now is the normalisation of having an open attitude towards sex and porn, regardless of its stance ethically. ‘Boys will be boys’- that’s the common reaction towards porn-addicted males, and this stereotype discourages them from recognising and seeking help for their underlying conditions.

My advice is, if you feel even slightly unsure of what you are doing or watching to quench your sex drive, then you should reach out for help; especially if you’re on the younger side with access to trustworthy adults or professionals. It’s normal, and even if you do feel humiliated, it’s better than committing mistakes that you can never undo nor forgive yourself for,” noted Michael.

If you find yourself in need of assistance or advice, don’t hesitate to seek help.

Malaysian Mental Health Association
Contact: 03 7782 5499

Talian Kasih
Hotline: 15999 (24 hours)
WhatsApp: 019 261 5999

Think I Need Aid (TINA)
WhatsApp: 018 988 8058

Women’s Aid Organisations (WAO)
Hotline: 03 7956 3488