#NOSHOTS: New Year’s Revolutions

If you’re reading this, congratulations! You’ve survived the Mayan Apocalypse. Man. That was close, wasn’t it? Still, the looming threat of wholesale planetary destruction was worth seeing all of humanity coming together as one, united in fraternity and determination at long last in its supposed final hours as the clock neared midnight on December 20th. Ah yes. We’re much better as a species now.


But this column is not concerned about the betterment of mankind nor does it have much interest in the magical powers of obsolete South Americans. (Diego Maradona, I see your Hand of God and raise you the finger.) But since you people paid so much attention to predictions and prophecies last year, here’s a list of my predictions for what’s going to happen in 2013. Because if you squint really hard, I can look like a Bolivian drug mule. That should be Mayan enough.

THE GLOBAL IRONY RECESSION In the aftermath of humanity’s near-fatal encounter with a really old Google Calendar account, everyone becomes super sincere, and people decide they only have time to get into things they actually like, and not, like, Gummi Bears novelty t-shirt reprints in faded mustard yellow and stuff. Although Gummi Bears are pretty badass. I’m just sayin’. Publika gets really empty really quick, and Etsy.com files for bankruptcy.

SCIENTOLOGY TAKES ROOT IN MALAYSIA and Ibrahim Ali has a veritable field day trying to shut it down. John Travolta flies down to KL to officiate the first chapel and is promptly picketed against by not only Perkasa, but PAS, the anti-Lynas people who dress up in green, and a flash mob who promptly do the Saturday Night Shuffle on the chapel steps. Blink and Goldfish, who were heavily courted to join the Hubbardites, politely decline. Tom Cruise is not amused, and Jack Reacher is not shown in Malaysian cineplexes. (Thank Xenu!)

DRUM N BASS DJS STOP PLAYING DUBSTEP and go back to playing drum n bass. Due to the ever-shifting definition of dubstep in popular culture, however, these DJs are now known as ‘dubstep DJs’.

HARIMAU MALAYA WIN ALL THE TROPHIES and then all the players either sign with Singapore clubs or become really crap on the field after they get their multimillion-ringgit Sports Ministry incentives. You just can’t run as fast when you have a Lamborghini Gallardo to drive to the 99 Speedmart with.

FACEBOOK CHANGES THEIR TERMS OF SERVICE AGAIN and hundreds of millions of users complain about the changes again, with many threatening to leave the online community altogether again. Mark Zuckerberg snickers again and shrugs his shoulders again, and Google tries to get more people on Google+ again capitalising on the fallout from this news again, and fail again. You will learn about all this on your News Feed again.

THE 13TH GENERAL ELECTIONS HAPPEN That’s it. That’s my prediction. At this rate, no one’s really sure if it’s ever going to take place, so rest easy. I just called it. It’s happening. I hope.

JUICE MAGAZINE GETS BOUGHT OVER BY THE UTUSAN GROUP and shifts its editorial focus to health food and holistic lifestyles. Any mention of beer and debauchery is stricken from its pages. The JUICE team resigns in protest and is promptly hired by Vice Mag. The first issue of JVICE Magazine is released to newsstands, the App Store, the Play Store, and whatever online marketplace Windows 8 is supposed to use. The magazine gets banned and the JVICE team spearheads a violent overthrow of the Information Ministry and the government in general and then everyone wakes up and promises never to have reheated pasembor and strawberry Asahi shakes ever again or at least until the next media event.

WORDSMANIFEST: SINGER/SONGWRITER That’s not a prediction. That’s an ultimatum. Liyana Fizi, holla. We have work to do.

WordsManifest was at the end of the world and all he got was a grainy cameraphone picture of the KLCC still standing at 12:01. Booooo.