#NOSHOTS: How to Spot a Straight Dude: A Guide

It has become increasingly necessary for the public to be duly informed of contemporary societal modes of conduct in reference to the sexuality of Malaysian citizens.

It is to this end that a list of characteristics – a loose and inconclusive guideline only, not to be referred to as sacrosanct and in no way legally binding – of an average straight male person in Kuala Lumpur circa 2012, must needs be gazetted. This exercise is carried out with the express aim of ensuring that ladies should not waste their time pining for and lusting after dudes who are batting for the home team – and because, damn, single straight guys need all the love we can get. It’s bad enough we lose a lot of sexytaimz with the ladies to rich married men with massive Kompressors. Now this? Come on, son.

But I digress. Below is my guideline on How To Spot A Straight Dude:

THERE’S A FAINT SOUR SMELL ON ALL HIS CLOTHING Straight dudes pay less attention to sorting their laundry properly; as a consequence their Uniqlo shirts (bought on sale) tend to get chucked into the washing machine along with the boxers they wore to paintball last week and the open packet of KFC chili sauce they left in their Levi’s that they forgot to remove after a hard night in Barsonic. Cologne and aftershave help, but they’re not miracle workers. If you smell Febreze on him on top of all that manmusk, he lives with his mother.

HE’S STILL WEARING ONE OF THOSE PALESTINIAN SCARVES You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones with the checks that made Yasser Arafat recognizable to CIA agents everywhere. The ones that were played out three hours after a metrosexual hipster had one on in an issue of Vice in 2008. Straight dudes try their level best to keep abreast of fashion trends, but given how there’s football on the telly and mad chicks on the internet, it’s kind of hard to stay current. But yeah, scarves are still cool, right? Cooler than bright-coloured V-necks any day. Yeah.

VIDEO GAMES > MODERN FAMILY BOXSETS Sofia Vergara might give him some pause, but the quintessential straight dude will plop himself down on a couch (any couch, even yours) for weeks on end for nothing less than Assassin’s Creed: Revelations or Modern Warfare 3. If you want to spend an evening indoors with him watching something on a flatscreen, be prepared for his hands to be on a chunk of plastic, and not you. But hey, at least you know his finger coordination is pretty boss.

HE SUCKS AT TALKING TO WOMEN No matter how dapper he thinks he looks, or how much he’s pulling in every month after taxes, how much Rexona for Men he’s slapped on or how many tequila pops he’s downed, a straight dude will turn off women at a bar more often than a telemarketer gets hung up on. Straight dudes talk at women, not to them, and listening to what a woman has to say is optional at best. If he says ‘uh huh’, ‘yeah okay’, and ‘sure sure’ for more than three minutes at a stretch, ladies rejoice: you just hit the jackpot, baby.

HE STILL WANTS TO GET WITH YOU, THOUGH Make no mistake, ladies: this is the mark of a true straight dude. No matter how awkward he is talking to you, or how often you tell him that you’re not interested in his Winning Eleven stats, or the fact that you can’t date him because he’s your boss’s kid brother, a straight dude will still want to hit that. Don’t put yourself on a pedestal just yet, however. Chances are a real straight dude will want to hook up with practically any woman, by virtue of her just having the right equipment. Because, you know, his equipment is pretty right too. Nudge nudge, wink wink. He’ll let you know this through dick jokes.

(Please note that this guideline is in no way intended to incite prejudice and discrimination against straight dudes; they’re people too. And there’s no sense in pointing out the traits of straight chicks because, hey, girl on girl is pretty awesome too. So have at it.)

WordsManifest keeps his manbag well-hidden in his big burly backpack. For special occasions.