John Hafiz: Autojohnography

By Alif Omar Mahfix  •  in Last Word
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John Hafiz, collectively the most eligible bachelor of all female lifestyle magazines, gave us the honour of having his grace on the cover of our 2011 yearend issue. Since then, John has spread his seed exponentially in West Malaysia – it is estimated that 85% of the newborns in the past 2 years had some genealogy linked to John, if not outright. Thank you John for helping our population maintain perfect pedigree, you f*cking ubermench you. To commemorate his achievements in such a short span, his Royalty requested to address his subjects through JUICE. We obliged…

Hello, loyal subjects.

Before all this happened, I was just John Hafiz. Tapi, being John Hafiz doesn’t mean I lived a hard life. John Hafiz, has looks, charm, wits, and a brilliant brain. To study intelligence is studying John Hafiz itself. If I didn’t smile, people would mistake me as cute. If I bestow my smile, I would be cute overload. Among KL girls, I am easily known as Cutie Pie. John Hafiz has a great body built and fashion sense, however my real strength is at my smile. And my cuteness. Thanks to my mum for raising such a good looking kid.

My life changed when I became JUICE cover boy in December 2011. After that incident, I proved to the whole of Kuala Lumpur that I wasn’t just a guy that depended only on his looks. I also proved that I was good at posing. It was the only magazine that was judged by its cover. I visited Jasema in TTDI, a week after the December issue was released and I was shocked to see there wasn’t a single copy of JUICE Magazine on the racks where it should be. I was unsatisfied with what I saw, but I was confident it could happen as I have a strong fanbase in TTDI. I asked the shopkeeper if he had more copies of the issue. Without a word, he showed me a stack of magazine behind the counter where he stood: “Still got a lot boss, but all the cover missing!”

A series of overwhelming things happened after my issue was published by JUICE. A lot of old friends called and asked if we could rendezvous over coffee. In my effort to be a humble celebrity, I approved and met all of them. In 34 coffee sessions, two of them wanted to sell insurance to me. However, I embraced all these changes. From being a John Hafiz that was recognised as a genius, they grew to learn that I am also lovable.

At first, I couldn’t handle all this pressure. I used to release the tension by playing sweet, serenading melodies with my ukelele in coffee shops. But ever since coffee shops became the “in” hangout place, the peacefulness it offered has disappeared. Lately, I only play ukelele in my mansion, while I effortlessly entertain John Hafiz Q&As from ladies worldwide.

Whenever I attended weddings, (even as a +1), the host sought that I give a speech. I’d ask “Why?” and they’d answer, “Because when John Hafiz speaks, all the wind blows and the angels sing.” Everyone wanted to express themselves by saying my name. I felt suffocated but I knew since I was a younger John Hafiz, I was going to have a bright future. I was strong enough to face all these adversities. It’s hard to convey this experience, because I don’t think there is a single reader that has the same life as I. My life is far more entertaining than a Disney Princess.

Since I became the cutest cover boy, more people (especially women), were asking me for advices on Being Famous. It’s really difficult to tell them sometimes because they just don’t have my looks. Usually I will change the topic by complimenting their hair or their shoes. But this one guy, still came up to me, and bothered me with the question. I answered, “Grow your moustache, put on a suit, and you’ll sure be famous in two years.”

This year I am blessed to be on the cover again. I am trying to be better. Previously I only aim to please women but now I aim to make everyone happy at the sight of me. And because of this, I now have two amazing copies of JUICE magazine. I only keep magazines with pleasurable covers.

Words by John Hafiz
Edited by his fangirl

John Hafiz prefers you to Google his name instead of his having to provide links for you.