It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and We Feel Fine: Part V

By Alif Omar Mahfix  •  31 Jan 2012 in Features

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Apocalypse is not really my prediction for 2012, it’s someone else’s. But I hate predicting so I’m just going to steal this. In my honest opinion, if the world wants to off itself in 2012, it better be through peaceful euthanasia. I mean, I don’t mind the world ending and all but the pain that comes with the process scares me. Still, we never know how it’s going to happen so I’ve always wondered what earth will be like amidst the threat of total annihilation of all that is.

What will music be like? Well, the first thing people will do at the foresight of destruction is have primal intercourse with strangers. Erotic themes are not really contemporarily uncommon especially with the rape rap that became popular in 2011, but imagine the possibilities of intimate Armageddon music. Instead of either seducing or forcing, songwriters will be faced with a deadly deadline therefore their gist will involve a lot of rushing.

There will be no time for flowers, nostalgia, heartbreak, or stalking and drugging for the horror core. Wrathful nuclear missiles from hell are about to engage their proximities. It will be all about efficiency. Think sexual songs written by contestants of MasterChef.

Whoever made that movie 2012 will produce a sequel that will be the lowest budget film in history entitled 2013 consisting mostly of stock footage of the colour black.  Adam Sandler will play a Mayan in a romantic comedy entitled We Told You So. Found footage movie directors will finally have the perfect scenario to pretend-film and the more perfect scenario of no one watching their crap. And for the first time, Hollywood will not be able to excrete a romantic movie out of a disaster ala Titanic due to existence issues.

Most non-believers predict a more technical ending to the world, which is boring. This is why I prefer the more popular theories. I concede that war is the worst man-made thing on earth and nobody should ever have to go through it, but a full scale battle between demonic monsters and biblical warriors will present an emotional conflict. On one hand we’re suffering, on the other we’re practically witnessing a real life Lord of The Rings right in our backyards. It will be awe and aaargh at the same time.

The beastly world war with giant feces monsters stomping around, wizards summoning ice dragons, ninjas doing ninja things, cockroaches laughing at us, etc. will of course render all idiotic political/social conflicts moot. This thankfully limits the need for a socio-political commentary from me thus bringing a bundle of joy to my apathetic heart. And speaking of me, what will happen to me? I foresee myself in a hospital bed admitted due to a mere fever.

The doctor will mistake me for another patient he’s doing his research on and start pumping my blood system with endless amounts of a new experimental morphine rendering me unconscious for most of the year. I will wake up in heaven drenched in a river of milk, my first request from the angel on-duty upon alertness will be “do you have some Cheerios?”

HQA is the underrated member of hardcore rap group The Rebel Scum. He also happens to give Maddox a run for his money, we’d like to see him write more. Follow him on Twitter @aiyohuckman.