How To Be As Mystical And Sublimely Jarring As A TOOL Song

By Lara Kramer  •  08 Jan 2025 in Features

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So, you want to exude the cosmic gravitas of Lateralus, the existential dread of ‘Schism’, and the downright chaos of ‘Ticks & Leeches’. Congratulations! You’ve set your sights on becoming an entity so enigmatic that even your pet won’t fully understand you.

Follow these steps, and you’ll soon be vibrating on a higher frequency, unnerving everyone around you with your otherworldly aura… Because Nirvana wasn’t edgy enough, huh?

1. Speak in Metaphors That Sound Profound (But Maybe Aren’t)

Why say, “I’m tired,” when you can say, “My spirit is tethered to the floor by the gravity of existence”? Regular people talk in sentences; you talk in cryptic riddles that may or may not have a point. Bonus points if you accompany this with an inscrutable stare, as if you’re perceiving the fifth dimension and it’s mildly disappointing.

2. Be Chronically Obsessed with Sacred Geometry

Circles, spirals, triangles—these are now your personality. Draw them everywhere: on napkins, on your shoes, on unsuspecting strangers’ notebooks. Slip phrases like “the Fibonacci sequence” and “the golden ratio” into casual conversations about pizza toppings. Is it deep? Who cares—it looks cool, and that’s half the battle.

3. Channel Chaos into Your Style

Dress like you crawled out of an ancient temple and a cyberpunk dystopia at the same time. Wear black but make it philosophical. Layer on esoteric symbols and textures so that strangers think you’re a traveling alchemist with a side hustle in lucid dreaming. Bonus points for eye makeup that looks like you applied it during a ritual sacrifice.

Try not to get mistaken for the average emo though. You’re not another Andy Biersack or Nikki Sixx; it’s much deeper than that. See, we haven’t exactly figured out how to express that you’re wearing black as a tribute to its absence on the visible spectrum of colour. That you relate to a hue/shade rather than full-blown colour. Yeah.

4. Use Random Latin Phrases

Nothing says “I’m too mystical for this realm” like peppering in some Latin. It doesn’t matter if the translation makes sense. “Ex nihilo nihil fit”? Perfect. “Carpe diem but in reverse”? Genius. I mean, I can hardly remember the last time I managed to seize the day before it seized me first.

Deliver with conviction and wait for the stunned silence (or someone under-the-table Googling).

5. Create Your Own Time Signatures for Life

TOOL doesn’t operate in boring 4/4 time, and neither should you. Decide that you’ll now only reply to texts on prime-numbered minutes or blink seven times per conversation. Confuse people with your unpredictable rhythms—they’ll think you’re playing the long game in a cosmic chess match. You are.

6. Get Unreasonably Intense About Mundane Topics

TOOL can turn the concept of a wrench into a 10-minute masterpiece. You can do the same with toast. Just think about how bread’s transformation under heat symbolises the eternal struggle of rebirth. You could be burnt to a crisp and some hungry f*cker will take a bite of you anyway.

Speak with the gravitas of a cult leader, and you’ll have people nodding even if they have no idea what you’re talking about. Speaking from experience… We’ll talk about that experience in another article, k?

7. Growl and Whisper at the Same Time

Your voice should alternate between an ominous low growl (perfect for ordering coffee, especially with oat milk) and a barely audible whisper that forces people to lean in. Ideally, both modes should feel like the sonic equivalent of staring into an abyss that might stare back.

8. Quote TOOL Lyrics Like They’re Scripture

Any conversation can and should include TOOL lyrics. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Someone mentions their bad day? Hit them with, “Saturn ascends, choose one or ten.” Someone questions your choices? Respond, “I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down.”

They’ll be too stunned (or afraid) to argue, and you’ll feel like Maynard’s disciple. Side note: This works in situations where you’re getting catcalled too. Also a story for another article.

9. Mix Philosophies Like a Chaotic Alchemist

Borrow bits from Jungian psychology, Zen Buddhism, and quantum physics. Sprinkle in some Nietzsche and maybe a dash of Carl Sagan. Don’t worry if it doesn’t cohere; TOOL doesn’t explain everything, so why should you? I used to put my phone on airplane mode during naps so I could wake up and respond to worried texts with, “Sorry, just saw this!”

But that’s it. A vague apology. No further discussion on my whereabouts or why I was uncontactable for two hours in the middle of the day. Stop explaining yourself!

10. Disappear Mysteriously

Like TOOL taking 13 years to release an album, you must vanish unpredictably. Leave cryptic notes like, “Ascending through the spiral, back in 2035.” Whether it’s from a party or social media, your absence will become the stuff of legend.

By following these steps, you’ll soon become the human equivalent of a TOOL song: Haunting, mesmerising, and just the right amount of “What the hell did I just experience?” Prepare for strangers to side-eye you, friends to adore you, and for everyone to need at least 10 minutes to process your presence.

If all else fails, simply stock up on cold medicines and scatter the empty boxes around the house. Guests will be sure to get the picture. Now you’re enigmatic and well-prepared for a prolonged runny nose. Fun!