The Emoji Movie (2017)
Yes, this movie has just been released, it’s got a one-digit score on Rotten Tomatoes, and everything you’ve read about this flaming pile of garbage is true. Sony Pictures have put a gun to their own head by making a movie about emojis, and it is BAD. The Emoji Movie feels more like one huge, unbroken advertisement for every mobile developer company that you can name. “BUY OUR STUFF!” is the subliminal message beneath the movie, and no amount of actor-issued statements that it’s secretly about fighting the Trump administration will change that. It’s actually rather sad, if the state of our world is such that we have to resort to brainwashing kids under the disguise of what’s passed off as entertainment, when it’s really a wannabe Pixar movie that lacks any thought or substance whatsoever.
How bad it actually is: A solid piece of poop. No, not the cute poop emoji. It’s plain shit.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Mindlessly scrolling through your Facebook feed on your phone would probably kill less brain cells.
Jurassic Shark (2012)
Canada’s worst export isn’t Justin Bieber, it’s Jurassic Shark. You don’t need me to tell you how bad this movie is – all you need to do is watch the trailer for yourself. You won’t find worse special effects in any other movie (no, not even Spider-Man: Homecoming and its god-awful PS2-style textures on the Spidey suit), and the entire thing looks and sounds like it was made by twelve-year-olds with no time, even less money, and a penchant for ripping footage of sharks off the internet and putting them into iMovie supercuts. Jurassic Shark has more pointless explosions than a Michael Bay film, but with cheap party tricks in place of CGI, and some of the worst acting since the turn of the century. If you want to watch a shark movie, go watch The Shallows, or the original Jaws. Heck, even Sharknado looks like an artistic masterpiece compared to this.
How bad it actually is: The creators need to issue personal apologies to the creators of both Jurassic Park and Jaws, at once.
How good it is for a drunken watch: 10/10, if you like your sharks looking inflatable.
Ben Affleck may be riding the wave of glory that comes with his directorial stint in recent years (of which he garnered a Best Picture award at the Oscars for Argo), and to a lesser extent, his role as Batman in the DCEU reboot, but Gigli, one of the most expensive box-office flops in history, is probably what keeps the man humble. The plot is convoluted to the point that it makes absolutely no sense, the acting and writing are so wooden you could forget that half the people in this movie are big names in cinema, and there are even multiple points at which the show stops being stupid and starts being plain politically incorrect (for example, when Ben Affleck’s character tells a mentally handicapped boy to “act normal,” or the entire romance subplot that implies LGBT+ people can just change their sexual orientation). Gigli was a product of its time, and we should probably leave it back in 2003 where it belongs.
How bad it actually is: Pretty damn bad, to the point of being offensive.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Only if you’re a die-hard Ben Affleck fan. And even then, just… no.
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)
You think you’ve seen bad acting? Think that all vintage horror movies must be cinematic masterpieces just because you watched Psycho and The Shining? Well, think again. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats boasts lines and performances so unappetising that it’s a wonder the eponymous Death Bed wanted to eat anyone in this movie at all. Combine this with the fact that the movie is about a carnivorous bed that eats people by absorbing them through yellow foam (I’m being 100% serious), and you’ve got a movie so bizarre that not even Salvador Dali could’ve stomached it. The only reason Death Bed needs any more coverage by today’s media is so that it can be made into the glorious meme it deserves to be. Watching this film will make you wish you’d stuck to your Hitchcock DVDs – although to be fair, Hitchcock doesn’t provide half the laughs you’d want while drunk at 4am.
How bad it actually is: Hilariously unwatchable.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Top of the list.
Batman and Robin (1997)
As hated as Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was, nothing can top Batman and Robin for the title of the worst movie based on DC characters, ever. Batman and Robin is famous amongst more avid DC fans based on the grounds that it’s so bad, it’s almost good; as well as the fact that it amassed a cast of legendary actors and actresses only to receive critical reception so bad that it’s still considered one of the worst movies of all time.
How bad it actually is: As a superhero movie, it’s very bad. As an aged, dated comedy, it’s ridiculously good.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Move over, Christopher Nolan.
The Last Airbender (2010)
It physically pains me to have to talk about The Last Airbender. It was as if, with this movie, M. Night Shyamalan set out to personally offend every single fan of the Nickelodeon series. Bastardising Avatar: The Last Airbender (which is recognised as one of the best animated series out there today, if not THE best) by diverting too far from the source material, as well as racially changing up every single character, is a stain on Shyamalan’s career that should never be washed away. No, not even with the financial success of his recent movies, and especially not in the light of how many burgeoning acting careers he killed with this movie. If you haven’t actually seen the original series that started this shitfest, I suggest you get on it right now. Stop reading this article. Go and watch it instead. Forget I ever mentioned this movie existed. It’s the biggest favour you’ll do yourself. And if you have watched both the series and the movie… oh god. I’m so, so sorry.
How bad it actually is: The worst cinematic event of the decade.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Don’t watch it. Not at all. Not even if your life is at stake. Just. Don’t.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
If you’re under the mistaken impression that Rogue One was the first official Star Wars spinoff, let me correct you. Thirty-nine years ago, The Star Wars Holiday Special aired on TV once, and only once. It was meant to be a feel-good TV movie incorporating cheeky cameos from the main cast of Star Wars, and to delve further into the life of Chewbacca, who cuts his intergalactic shenanigans short to make it home to his family for ‘Life Day’. Instead, it made Christmas the least wonderful time of the year for Star Wars aficionados, and probably made Harrison Ford think twice about saying yes to being cast as Han Solo. From giving Chewbacca a father and a son with the very Wookie-esque names of ‘Itchy’ and ‘Lumpy’ – perhaps George Lucas was describing an STD he had at the time – to Carrie Fisher’s glazed eyes and more-than-slightly disorientated cocaine stare in her cameo at the end, the show is harder to understand than the first nine minutes of un-subtitled Wookie grunting, and even worse than the prequels. The only thing The Star Wars Holiday Special is good for is that it’s the first official introduction of Boba Fett (one of the franchise’s coolest characters) into the series. But for your own sake, just make do with Boba’s appearances in the actual movies. This is one Christmas experience you’d be more than happy to miss out on.
How bad it actually is: It’ll make even the most hardcore Star Wars fan regret they didn’t like Star Trek better.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Acceptable. After all, you’ll never be able to handle it sober.
To this day it’s still shocking how far Adam Sandler has fallen, from being remotely acceptable as a B-movie comedian all the way back in the mid-‘90s to resorting to trick unsuspecting fans of classic video games into seeing what might have been the worst movie of 2015. What makes the betrayal even bigger is the fact that, up to its release, the movie actually looked good. The concept that Pixels stands on is admittedly pretty cool – who hasn’t thought about video games coming to life? – and the film even has Peter Dinklage (aka Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones) and the creator of Pac-Man himself in it. But in the end, as should be expected from both an Adam Sandler film and a film intended for sweatrag basement gamers, Pixels turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of cheap gags and mildly misogynistic writing strung together into a film that barely holds together. It may be based on the classics, but the only list of classics that Pixels could conceivably enter is the ever-growing list of classic Sony Pictures fuckups.
How bad it actually is: It’s the worst Adam Sandler movie out there, which places it at the bottom of the very bottom of the pile.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Go and play Google Maps Pac-Man instead.
George of the Jungle 2 (2003)
It’s true. Sequels are not only killing originality in the film industry, they’re often very unneeded and only serve to shit all over the good name of its predecessor. George of the Jungle 2 is the perfect example of this. I don’t know what’s worse – the fact that some hack at Disney felt the need to make an underfunded sequel to one of millennials’ and Generation Z’s most beloved children’s films, or the fact that they then had the balls to joke about it in the movie itself in a bad attempt to make something good out of a horrible, terrible mistake. Remember that remake of The Mummy from earlier this year, where they took Brendan Fraser out of the equation and thought it would be a good idea? Well, that film bombed, too. They should’ve learned from George of the Jungle 2, but then again, movie studios never learn, do they?
How bad it actually is: The Last Airbender killed my adolescence. George of the Jungle 2 killed my childhood.
How good it is for a drunken watch: Pretty good, if you can put up with the thought that Brendan Fraser would be very, very disappointed in you.
The Room (2003)
Ever since The Room came out 14 years ago, it’s become the most loathed yet most beloved piece of cinema out there today, with a cult following like no other and a legacy that’s stood the test of time for longer than most actual Oscar-winning films. To this day, conspiracy theories that Tommy Wiseau is an alien in disguise still circulate the internet, and countless cinemas across the US and Europe still hold special screenings of The Room during which people throw spoons at the screen and recite the entire movie by heart. It’s got wooden acting, a horrible script, and the most hackneyed storyline of all time, but the fact that no other movie is this awful is what makes it so unique. The Room has even spawned another movie about it, The Disaster Artist starring James Franco, which will be released later this year. For a film which earned itself the title of Worst Movie Ever Made, it’s strangely… pretty damn good.
How bad it actually is: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!/10
How good it is for a drunken watch: The absolute best.
Need some better movies and TV to keep you occupied? Check out a list of dark TV shows and movies we compiled here.