A Very Grinchy Guide To Surviving Family Gatherings At Christmas

By Lara Svelte • 13 Dec 2023 in Features

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Ah, Christmas, the joyous season of family gatherings – a time when we come together to celebrate love, unity, and the undeniable fact that some relatives are just a few ornaments short of a fully decorated tree…

Simply put, navigating the minefield of awkward Pakcik jokes, dry conversations and unsolicited advice requires finesse. In this guide, we unveil essential strategies to not just endure but triumph over the chaos of familial interactions:

Festive Fashion Follies

When Uncle James remarks on your “interesting” choice of career, you might want respond with a sly smile and mention how he was unemployed and single at your age. While this would earn you full Damage points, it’s something you’re gonna have to live down for years. Especially when his blood pressure level spikes and you take the blame on behalf of that Ais Kacang he wolfed down in three minutes flat.

So this time, instead of falling victim to the infamous cryptic compliments, go beyond the cliché Christmas sweater and blind them with the Christmas spirit. Think glitter, pop-up ornaments, and LED lights. Uncle Bob’s political rant will lose its edge when he can’t look you in the eye thanks to your blinding baju.

Bonus points if it comes with music-activating buttons or tiny jingle bells. What was that? Sorry, can’t hear you over the loudness of my fit.

Damage 2/5

Defence 3/5

Agility 2/5

Overall Rating: 3/5

The elaborate ensemble, though visually captivating, hampers your manoeuvreability. This decreases your chances at making a subtle exit if need be. The dazzling distraction might also not offer complete immunity to prying questions, leaving a small opening for persistent relatives who are REALLY curious to know why you haven’t kahwin yet.

The Mistletoe Manoeuvre

Embrace the mistletoe as a tactical tool. Hang it strategically, creating unexpected moments of awkwardness and diversion. This not only adds a touch of holiday romance but also provides the perfect escape route when cornered by distant relatives armed with questions about your life choices. Can’t help it if your TikTok dances hit your Makcik‘s FYP, right?

Disclaimer: You might wanna skip this one if you have an inkling that your cousin might be into you.

Damage: 4/5

Defence: 3/5

Agility: 5/5

Overall Rating: 3.7/5

The manoeuvre’s agility makes it a versatile and powerful tool for navigating social dynamics. While it excels in offence and is perfect for those who appreciate a touch of mischief during family gatherings, there’s a risk of unintended discomfort or awkwardness, potentially leaving you exposed to… Unforeseen consequences.

The Silent Sip And Nod

Master the art of the silent sip and nod. When confronted with unsolicited advice about your career choices, love life, or hairstyle, simply take a dignified sip of your chosen beverage and nod sagely. This technique also works wonders during the annual rendition of Grandma’s Kerabu Mangga critique or when you have to hear about how your cousin excelled his bar exams.

Plus, when half your face is hidden behind a cup, no one will be able to tell whether your happiness and agreement is genuine or feigned.

Damage: 2/5

Defence: 4/5

Agility: 4/5

Overall Rating: 3.3/5

This technique is a reliable and diplomatic strategy. While it may not be a game-changer in terms of offence, its effectiveness lies in its ability to elegantly deflect unwanted attention, providing you with a graceful exit strategy from awkward conversations. Use it wisely, and it might just be your secret weapon for maintaining composure during family gatherings.

Christmas Carol Counterattack

Picture this: the conversation is on the brink of tedium, or you sense that your sister is one gingerbread cookie away from telling your Aunt to get off her back. You make a sudden switch to foreign-language Christmas carols, and they act as an auditory shield, silencing everyone in the room.

Bonus points if they’re in French, Spanish or German. Simply because you’ll deflect the heated conversation and turn it into (yet another) recount of Aunty Karen’s backpacking trip across Europe, or how your uncle spent the lockdown days maintaining his streaks on Duolingo.

He may know how to ask “Which one is your horse?” but fumble with “Excuse me” in German, but that’s a Him problem at this point. They also can’t sing along if they don’t know the lyrics, so you’ve also saved yourself the earache. Boom.

Damage: 3/5

Defence: 5/5

Agility: 4/5

Overall Rating: 4/5

This one is easy, effective and can be used more than once if you do it tastefully. It also gives you a break from listening to Mariah Carey on repeat. The only setback is that the Europe trip conversation might take over half the occasion, but that still beats listening to criticism and backhanded compliments. Worst case scenario, they know the song or pull up Google to sing along. Oh well, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

That’s it from us! Don your Grinchy spirit like a well-worn ugly sweater, and may your family festivities be filled with just the right amount of chaos and charm.

Until next year, when you once again embark on another mission to outwit, outplay, and outcarol your loved ones. 🎄

Cover image AI-generated via Dall-e