Dating Nightmares — Stories That Will Make You Sick (Read: Dick Cheese)

By JUICE Malaysia  •  14 Feb 2017 in Features

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In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, here’s a compilation of four of the most horrifying dating stories we’ve heard of. All anonymous, of course.

Nothing Says Romance Than Fucking Behind a Bush

So, I went out on a date with a French guy who works in Singapore. He was down in KL for a short trip and we met in one of the bars in Changkat. It wasn’t anything fancy, just standard KL prices. The whole time during the date, he just kept complaining about how expensive the drinks were at the bar and implied multiple times that it was my fault. His idea of a better date? Sitting in McDonald’s without ordering anything. Plus, they have free Wi-Fi.

When the bill came, we paid for our own drinks, which I’m totally fine with, but he didn’t even pay for his part of the service charge and GST, so I had to cover his! He also made me walk him to KK Mart to buy the cheapest bottle of whiskey so he could get smashed without spending too much money. Classy, right?

If you think that’s bad enough, the worst date of my life isn’t even over yet. He kept insisting that we go for a walk in the park. In the middle of the city. I said there weren’t any and even if they were, they’re closed. He wouldn’t believe me, so I had to pull out Google Maps and prove it to him. At this point, I’m already beating myself up mentally for not coming up with an escape plan earlier.

Anyway, we couldn’t find a park (no surprise there), so we settled for a walk instead. He kept walking through weird and dodgy, dark alleys. It’s like an adventure, he said. We somehow ended up in this quiet area, right by an apartment complex. There were shrubs and well-kept bushes around that area. So he pulled me behind a bush, right in the line of sight of the guardhouse, and offered me sex. I immediately got the heck outta there and never saw him again. Needless to say, I was off Tinder for a while after that. – @nofrenchguy4me87

Nightmare Rating: 3.5/5

And They Say Chivalry is Dead

It was a great date, we got along well and he even mentioned “next time” – safe to say he was implying a second date – but when the bill came, I insisted on splitting it, and he became crazy. I tried to explain that I don’t like to be paid for unless it’s a special occasion, then, I don’t mind, ‘cos I don’t think it’s fair for guys to have to foot the bill-lah. We settled with splitting the bill, on one condition; he gets drinks later. But there was no second date, ‘cos drinks were split too #crysmile. – @dontoperdoorsforme99

Nightmare Rating: 2/5

Don’t Date & Drive

It was a double date down to Danga Bay in Johor. My second date with the girl – she was driving her friend’s car, and driving above the speed limit to boot. I told her to slow down, she sped up instead. We blew by a cop car and the blue lights came on, obviously we got pulled over. She was rude to the cop and got a ticket for it. We were relegated to the back seat, she was upset. I tried to comfort her by offering to pay for half the fine (even though I told her to slow down). I took my attention away from her for a second to put down a drink and that was when she gave me a backhand slap to the face.

So, the rest of the drive was a bit awkward because I barely knew this girl and she just slapped me in the face. No reason given, btw. I gave her a talking to on why that was wrong, but she never explained why she slapped me. Nice. – @redcheeks002

Nightmare Rating: 3.5/5

Cut It, Cut It, Cut It, Cut It

I hooked up with this guy in the wee hours of the morning before work for him and class for me — it was like 6am, I got there and we started kissing. I’m super impressed that he brushed his teeth and was tasting minty fresh, then, he whipped his junk out and shoved it in my mouth. And that was when I realised that while he had cleaned his overnight mouth, he didn’t clean his overnight junk. Coulda been three days’ worth of cheese on his peen. I don’t know. All I knew was I tasted it and damn near died. I pushed him off. Ran to the bathroom. Scrubbed my tongue. Mouthwashed. Scraped with my fingernails. Then walked out, grabbed my shit, and left for my 9am exam. By 9.30am, I already felt that familiar rawness… the onset of a sore throat. I had it for about a month, so I blocked him off everything. But it got better, ‘cos this bitch had the nerve to call my friends and asked why I wasn’t talking to him — even tried to trap my friend into meeting him to give him an explanation. Tried to trap me too. That’s why I don’t suck uncircumcised dick anymore — don’t know what surprises be hiding in the depths of hell. – @dickcheesetaster177

Nightmare Rating: 10/5

Brb, we’re going to die.