A Fat Girl’s Insecurities

By Rathika Sheila  •  12 Feb 2016 in Last Word

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JUICE Writer and frequent Rev Asia employee (she’s been with us on and off for years), Rathika Sheila puts her insecurities aside to put your face against the floor.

“Physical attraction is the most important thing,” I get told this more often than I’d like to hear. It’s strange to have been brought up with two conflicting ideologies — at home I was taught that what’s on the inside is what truly matters but on the other end of the spectrum, my peers told me that I needed to look a certain way in order to be deemed as attractive.

I understand that there is such a thing as falling in love at first sight, I mean shit, that’s what happened when I saw Brad Pitt. But on a personal level, I’ve not been attracted to someone just because he looks great. I choose having substance in my relationship — more often than not it’s alcohol — in comparison to a trophy boyfriend. No, this isn’t something a fat girl says just because she’s never had an attractive male interested in her. These are genuine beliefs.

The relationships — or flirtationships if you will, as none have been “official” — that I’ve had in the last five years have been amazing writing material. Let me humour you for a second; one time, after expressing what I felt for this one guy — and I felt a lot — he said, “I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way about you ‘cos you don’t give me an erection.” This incident traumatised me for a while because I started believing that looks were everything. Looks would get you a job because your bosses would be mesmerised by your appearance; looks would get you into a relationship; a pretty face would get all the love that a fat Indian girl could never get.

But everything changed when I realised my worth. Yeah, I may not be the girl you can show your friends off to in order to make them envy you, but I’m definitely the girl that’ll make anyone laugh — or cry depending on your tolerance for sarcasm — and someone to have a conversation with, really. I mean, what do people do after the sex and make out sessions have timed out?

So, I’m here as proof to all fatties — and anyone with similar insecurities — that even though there are some people who believe looks surpass everything else, it’s okay not to agree with it and to continue hoping that you’ll meet someone that’ll prove you right. I may not have a lot of the features that pretty people have but what I do have make up for it. Like my job at JUICE — do you work in an office that has its own bar? No. Are you part of a team that has a wicked sense of humour and a boss with his own hashtag? I didn’t think so. Lastly, have you seen Beyoncé perform live? No, you haven’t. Put your pretty face against the floor please.

Rathika Sheila is still convinced that she’s meant to be with either Kendrick Lamar or Stephen Colbert. Stalk her on Instagram at @lxxvi__.