How To Achieve The Emotional Impact Of A Gothic Cathedral

By Lara Kramer  •  20 Dec 2024 in Features

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In a world increasingly defined by 280-character hot takes and TikTok’s fleeting 30-second bursts of serotonin, you might find yourself yearning for something… Timeless. Something with depth. Something that inspires awe, dread, and just a hint of existential despair—you know, the stuff Gothic cathedrals are made of.

But what if I told you that you could evoke the same emotional impact as a Gothic cathedral? Here’s a step-by-step guide to becoming a walking, talking masterpiece of pointed arches, stained glass, and divine gravitas:

1. Start with a Foundation of Existential Angst

A Gothic cathedral’s cornerstone isn’t just a slab of rock; it’s the physical manifestation of humanity’s deep fear of mortality. To channel this energy, begin cultivating your own existential crisis. Read philosophy you barely understand.

Stare at the night sky and whisper, “What does it all mean?” Bonus points if you’re doing this in a thunderstorm. How else are you supposed to connect with Nietzsche?

2. Perfect the Look: Go Tall or Go Home

Gothic cathedrals are synonymous with vertical ambition. Your equivalent? Platform boots. The taller, the better.

Add dramatic flair with clothing that billows in the wind, like a cape or a trench coat—because nothing says “ethereal” like fabric flapping dramatically as you ponder life’s meaning in front of an unsuspecting Coffee Bean. Take it from Eric Draven.

3. Illuminate Your Soul (Literally)

Stained glass windows depict saints, sinners, and dragons, casting colourful, otherworldly light across cathedral floors. You can mimic this effect with an excessive amount of LED accessories.

Think neon sunglasses, glow-in-the-dark nail polish, and a disco ball necklace. Let your inner radiance shine—preferably in moody reds and blues.

4. Adopt a Gargoyle Entourage

Gothic cathedrals have gargoyles for a reason: they’re creepy, fascinating, and keep pigeons at bay. Your version? Befriend the quirkiest people in your vicinity. Assemble a squad of chaotic energy, complete with someone who only communicates in memes and another who insists they’re cursed by a 14th-century artefact.

5. Master the Art of Subtle Foreboding

Have you ever walked into a Gothic cathedral and felt like it knew all your secrets? That’s the vibe you’re going for. Speak in cryptic aphorisms like, “The winds of fate are unpredictable” or “Only the shadows know.”

Pause dramatically after every sentence. People won’t know whether to invite you to their party or pray for your soul. Whatever happened to Edgar Allan Poe, I guess.

6. Develop an Acoustics Game

Ever notice how sound in a Gothic cathedral echoes for days? Mimic this by speaking in a voice so resonant, it demands attention. If you’re musically inclined, learn to hum Gregorian chants in the shower. For added authenticity, do it at random intervals in public—people will either be inspired or terrified, which is precisely the goal.

If all else fails, simply walk around to some Rammstein. Nothing screams dilapidated industrial building quite like dilapidated industrial metal.

7. Be Purposefully Incomprehensible

The symbolism in Gothic cathedrals is famously dense. Follow suit by cultivating a personal aura of mystery. Start journaling in an invented alphabet. Carry a pocket watch that doesn’t tell time. When someone asks you a straightforward question, answer with, “It depends on how you define reality.”

Who knows? You might just be crowned the next Great Mind of the 21st century. There’s also a good chance you might get socked in the jaw, but we’re focusing on the positives here.

8. Drape Yourself in Melancholy

Cathedrals thrive on bittersweet beauty. To achieve this, sprinkle your conversations with wistful nostalgia for things you’ve never actually experienced: “Ah, the Renaissance… simpler times.” Make a playlist consisting entirely of choirs and some Radiohead. Sigh often, but make it sound poetic. Idk, maybe think about your last breakup and squeeze out a tear or two where you see fit.

9. Have a Sacred Purpose

Every Gothic cathedral was built with a higher purpose: to bridge the earthly and the divine.

Your version of this? Pick a personal mission that’s both noble and slightly unattainable. Announce, “I’m dedicating my life to cataloging every shade of grey in existence,” and then actually commit to it. Nothing screams “divine inspiration” like impractical dedication. And yes there are more than 50.

10. Create Awe-Inspiring Entrances

Gothic cathedrals don’t merely welcome you; they envelop you in an aura of mystique and grandeur. To replicate this, you’ve got to cultivate an entrance that feels like stepping out of a supernatural mist.

Channel your inner deity: glide instead of walk, pause dramatically at the threshold, and let your eyes scan the room as if it’s unworthy of your presence. Skip the fog machine—the fog is in you. But yeah, carry a scent of incense or myrrh for good measure, and to leave people wondering if they just witnessed a divine apparition.