10 Non-violent Ways to Subdue Dato’ Jamal Yunos

Dato Jamal 0

Illustrations kkkkkiddddd

Anti-Bersih Red Shirts Leader Dato’ Jamal Yunos is an insufferable man. To many, he represents the butt-end of Malaysia’s genetic pool, a street thug masquerading as a businessman-politician whose only real success was convincing the stupid, political or otherwise, to aid his flaccid agenda. That and some stinky fish shop somewhere.

Preying mainly on rural Malays whose mindsets have already been tempered by years of systematic predefined notions, he’s our Donald Trump in the making. Although light-years away from any position of supreme power, this little Napoleon has captured the attention of the media in the past two years with his festering larvae disposition – demonstrations of strength and solidarity by breaking planks on his and his Red Shirts’ backs – meant to intimidate the opposition and Bersih supporters; together with former ally and butt-jiggler Ali Tinju, spewing racist comments especially during the 2015 Low Yat clashes; crying like a girl when he got his nose scratched; and most recently, composing and performing the worst put-down song in the History of Put-down Songs after being released from post-Bersih 5 detention.

Many would like to see this guy gone, at least from our newsfeeds. But since things aren’t going to change anytime soon (even Americans have to accept The Donald), the only way to ‘right the wrong’ for regular, progressive Malaysians like us is the non-violent approach. As such, we’ve prepared ten suggestions to subdue this threat should the urgency ever arise. Though not all are practical, sometimes we do need a break from the drudgery of politics and being cogs in the big machine.

1. NINJA-HUG HIM (FROM BEHIND)
1

Infiltrate the Red Shirts during one of their physical strength-endurance demos. If you’re Malay, cool. If you’re not a Malay, they have been said to accept all races, so don’t worry. Once you’re in, you’ll be given a mask to wear while whacking Dato’ Jamal’s spine (probably to make him look more like Chuck Norris). When it’s your turn, drop the plank and hug Dato’ Jamal from behind. HARD. As hard as you can, like Street Fighter Zangief’s Russian bear-hug level of hardness. When he asks what you are doing, casually reply, “I’m hitting you… with love.”

2. OFFER HIM A HOTDOG & ROOT BEER

Dato' Jamal 2

Heaven above knows that no one in Malaysia supported the mandatory name-change of Hot Dogs to, err, we think they’re called Sausage Buns now. Even Dato’ Jamal never said anything about it. So if you see him famished from one of his extreme plankings, do offer him a good ol’ A&W Root Beer and Coney Dog. He might just pick a more decent topic for his protesting, one that the whole of Malaysia could side with.

3. PLACE HIM UNDER CITIZEN’S ARREST

Dato' Jamal 3

You don’t need to be a member of RELA or your local rukuntetangga (neighbourhood volunteer watch) to be Batman or Cicakman. Every Malaysian has the right to prevent a crime in-progress in the absence of the police. Meaning, you can knock the shit out of someone if that someone is threatening to cause harm or planning a robbery. Well, almost. Making a Citizen’s Arrest doesn’t apply to all situations if you’re thinking of going Dog the Bounty Hunter, and you have to turn the detainee over to the cops as soon as that person is apprehended. If someone is being seditious or talking crazy shit and inciting hatred, that doesn’t count as immediate danger. So you can’t arrest that person yourself – you’ll have to call the police. However, the way the Red Shirts attacked Bersih supporters in the past – kicking one guy off a motorcycle – can be counted as a crime in-progress with the victim in immediate danger. Help him! It’s just a question of how not to turn that situation into an all-out gang brawl because the Reds come in numbers as cowards usually do.

4. GRABOSTRICH

Dato Jamal 4

There’s only one person crazy enough to buy this idea, so you’re our guy! Dato’ Jamal, we are pleased to introduce you to the next innovation in public transportation — GrabOstrich.

5. BAKAR IT RIGHT
Dato' Jamal Yunos 5

That stinky fish shop we mentioned before is well known for being downright awful. Maybe if a certain flamboyant Chef taught him how to bakar his ikan the right way, it wouldn’t suck so much and Dato’ Jamal wouldn’t be such a pissed off has-been. Bonus points if this Chef can do it Chinese-style. Food always brings people together!

6. TAKE HIM TO COURT
dato jamal yunos 6

We know our judiciary ain’t what it used to be (okay, stop laughing now), but that doesn’t mean you can’t financially hit a person with unnecessary lawyer bills. For all those harassed by Dato’ Jamal and his crew of Reds, this is your chance to hit him where it really hurts. It’s his pockets (whether filled by himself or others) that fund his supporters. Once his resources are drained, he won’t be able to afford to pay that RM50 token to each attendee. And no one wants to protest on an empty stomach.

7. START A PARODY PAGE

dato jamal 7

Attention, Professional Trolls of Malaysia! This is your chance to prove that you are more than just feeble creatures who live off the fear and hatred of the internet inside your mom’s houses – usually in one of the two smaller rooms ‘round the back. You need to start taking that gift of trolling of yours and focus it on some real enemies of peace and democracy. Use your creativity, be sure to always entertain the masses, Photoshop is your sword and shield, now, comment away! #RedLife

8. GET MONOLOQUE TO LECTURE HIM ON LOCAL MUSIC

dato' jamal yunos 8

The Red Shirts’ agenda is pretty confusing but not as confusing and arbitrary as Butterfingers’ guitarist and local music connoisseur Monoloque’s take on younger Malaysian musicians. Guess the two of them could really hit it off with a conversation about being Malay and Malaysian. Or maybe not.

9. QU PUTEH PRESENTS SO IS IT A DATE, DATO’ ?

dato' jamal yunos 9

We admit, we didn’t check up on Dato’ Jamal’s relationship status, but we bet he’s 100% ripped and ready to meet tha ladies! All that lifting (and planking) will come in handy should Qu Puteh’s Dato’ Seri Vida decide to expand her empire of cosmetic products (inspired by the Nazi-meltdown scene from Raiders of The Lost Ark) by creating a reality TV dating show and getting Dato’ Jamal on it. Think about it, Dato’ Seri Vida. Just think about it.

10. EXILE HIM IN SINGAPORE

dato jamal yunos 10

This is probably the best way to re-educate Dato’ Jamal on the real plight of Malays. Sure, they get a President, but do you think the Malays of Singapore ever dream of being Prime Minister? On second thought, do you think anyone outside of the Lee dynasty would dream of that? Welcome to the other side of the fucking coin, Dato’ Jamal Yunos, where the systematical oppression of Malays you’ve been raving about actually exist. How does it feel like to be a foreigner in your own country now? To be shunned as a second-class citizen? To be shushed when you start speaking out? To have fellow Malays with tattoos and liberal views living next to you? To have to walk miles to get to the nearest halal restaurant at midnight? To get fined for littering cigarette butts?

In an op-ed titled ‘How Jamal Yunos helped flush Malaysian journalism to a new low’ published in NST on 7 October ‘16 by James Sivalingam, the Writer said of Dato’ Jamal’s antics: “Media practitioners should actively refuse coverage of such outlandish behaviour. Cheap publicity stunts and antics should be called out and treated as such. In an age where journalism integrates strongly with social media, ridiculous antics such as these will easily garner shares and likes – which some mistake as the success of a news article… Media practitioners have the power to divert the public’s attention to any issues they want, and it is high time that the power is used with more conviction and responsibility.”

Let this be the last we hear of him in the news. #RIPRed

A day prior to publishing this article, Dato’ Jamal Yunos had pledged his full support for the controversial RUU355 bill tabled by PAS which gives more power to the Syariah Court to execute heavier punishments (sans death penalty) and is seen by some as a pathway to Hudud Law. He also accused all Muslim MPs who opposed the bill of being Satanic. Suffercation would be proud. \m/